How to kill a fan
by Peach-mann
Summary: We all know him and we all hate him. The adoring fan. A tale of some of the most famous ways to kill him. I would love reviews! Chapter 3 up!
1. Jesan Jarol

How to kill a fan

The adoring fan has been noted as the number one annoyance of grand champions everywhere. Some daring adventurers get fed up with the annoying fan, and murder him in cold blood, and his death can, be rather gruesome and funny, more funny than gruesome. This is an account of some of the more famous-or infamous as fanboy-lovers might say- grand champions to kill this little boy in such fasions. Why the little ass-hat respawns after he is killed is unknown, but you know what they say, "When you cut off the head of a dragon, another one grows right back"

Jesan Jarol

Imperial

Born under the sign of the Warrior

Jesan Jarol was the grand champion of the arena. He had slain lumbering orcs, clever elves, brave men, powerful nords, and even once a dremora from the planes of Oblivion themselves! But no matter how powerful, how many, and how clever his foes are-were-, he had always found a way to defeat them. But no enemy- not even Agronak-Gro-Malog, could prepare him for the foe he was about to face. The smartest enemies atack the mind, not the body, after all.

The wood-elf boy was the weakest, poorest, exuce for an elf the world had ever seen. He was wearing a dark green shirt, a pair of pants- thank god for that- and had the strangest hairdo in all of Tamerial. He could be compared to modern day "groupies", only that he didn't need any drugs to be as insane as he is. Well, most people think that he may be a bit of a skooma and moon sugar addict, but nobody knows that for sure.

The fan ran up to the grand champion, and Jesan Jarol drew his sword, supposing the boy to be a young member of the mythic dawn cult, preparing to attack Jesan, a member of the blades, on sight. But no armor appeared on the wood-elf's body, and no weapon in his hand. He did not attack Jesan, but instead, danced. It was a rather strange dance too, and many guards laughed under their breath.

" By Azura, by Azura, by Azura!", the wood-elf boy said with an extremely annoying and high pitched voice. "It's the GRAND CHAMPION!" The wood-elf boy placed extra emphasis on grand champion, well, more emphasis than he places on every other word that comes from his accursed mouth.

"What do you want you little son of Sheogorath!?", screamed Jesan Jarol, who was already annoyed, but had no idea of the trials to come.

The heresey-kiss headed wood-elf boy inhaled, and then screamed with all of his might, "What do I want? I want to shine your weapon, brush your horse, lick the dirt off your boots, and worship the ground you stand one! By Azura, I want to follow you around wherever you go and go on GRAND adventures into GRAND dungeons and hit people with your GRAND sword.! And by Azura, I want to ride on your GRAND horse when we are done that!

"Get. Away. From. Me." , Jesan Calmly explained, showing his anger in a nice way.

"By Azura, are you hungry? Because you seem a little bit grumpy." said the fan grimly, knowing he had commited an act of treason by annoying his beloved grand champion.

Jesan Jarol thought for a second. Not only was he a very powerfull warrior, but he was a great problem solver. His intellect combined with his strength made him a perfect hero.

"Hey fanboy, I was just joking! Do you want to go on a GRAND adventure or what!?" said Jesan with a grin. He thanked the nine for going to acting school.

"Yes! Yes I do, almighty grand champion! Let me hold a weapon, so you and I can vanquish foes together!", squeeled the wood-elf, not believing what had happened to him.

Jesan scanned the ground for anything to use as a weapon, and found callipers at his feat, "Here, my adoring fan, vanquish your foes with this enchanted artifact, the _Callipers of Eternal Darkness_!

"Where shall we go, my beloved grand champion? By Azura, I hope we go to a GRAND picnic! By Azura, I cannot wait!" screamed the excited wood-elf with a grin on his face.

Jesan Jarol knew the perfect place. Dive Rock.

Dive Rock was the pinnacle of the Jerall mountains. Jesan Jarol remembered it, when he hunted down the monster known as the "Underfykte Matron", a invisible beast, which squeels like a troll, but is more powerful than all the forces of Oblivion themselves! The icey, jutting dive-board on dive rock had been the place of many events, such as the deaths of many climbers.

"The perfect spot to kill the little jerk" Jesan thought.

The journey was uneventfull, as the hero and the fan rode on horseback- the adoring fan liked to call Jesan Jarol's horse Shadormere, Grandy- and the two finally got to the mountains.

Now, the time has come, to rid the world of this annoyance.

He swung his Akaviri katana, and time seemed to slow. The adoring fan spent his final moments doing what he does-did- best, adoring.

"By Azura, what a GRAND sword."

"I wonder if he named it"

"I bet he loves me more than it."

"By Azura, I love the grand champion."

"I bet you he want's to adopt me, or my name isn't-

The sword struck, and the fan went sprawling over the mountains, propeled by the strength of the angry champion, Finally, after an eternity of slowly falling to his doom, with bulls-eye of his own blood under him, he hit the ground with a sickening, yet satisfying, crunch. His body began down the hill.

_Bounce,_ _bounce,bounce,bounce,bounce,bounce,bounce,bounce,bounce,bounce._

**That was easy.**

**Hope you liked it! More chapters to come!**


	2. Alessia Nepia

This is one of the more creative ways of disposing of the wood-elf jerk. I wonder who his parents are- never mind, that would scar me for life. Maybe the thing isn't even a Mer (elf) at all. Maybe he is a evil little daedra created by Sheogorath to turn more people insane. It seems to be so, as he is immortal, and re spawns back at the arena.

Alessia Nepia

Imperial

Born under the sign of the lover

She had never been a fan of killing people. All Alessia ever wanted was money. And she had the strength for the job, so she signed up. She prayed for the ones she killed, and found no joy in her job. But now, here she is, the grand champion of the arena! However, now she is about to find out, that when you kill people, there are always unforeseeable consequence.

Those consequences were in the form of a little wood-elf boy. Perfectly harmless, at least when it comes to physical sense, but psychologically, this elf could be compared to the strength of Mehurnes Dagon.

"By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! It's the grand champion, in her beautiful, powerful glory!"screeched the adoring fan in a way that reminded Alessia of a Clanfear who had a little to much to drink. " May I follow you around? Shine your weapons? Make your breakfast? Wake you up in the morning? Clean your outhouse?

"By the nine, who in Talos are you? I have no time for little elves who wish to follow me around! What are you, a measly little wood elf even capable of?", sighed Alessia with an annoyed accent.

" ME? I am capable of a lot of things, like adoring, adoring some more, and saying "By Azura!" Oh yeah, and I can also follow the grand champion around, and run away in fear from mud crabs, and get you detected by shining my torch on enemies and also by saying, "By Azura!", I mean how useful is that? Oh yeah, and by the way, by Azura, by Azura, by Azura.

That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Well, one of the several straws, because when it comes to the adoring fan, every straw breaks the camel's back.

"Come on then my noble wood elf! Let us venture into the depths of the imperial sewers, and cleanse them of ferocious rats and mud crabs! Not only that, but I have a surprise waiting for you!" Alessia said with an equal amount of high-pitched annoyingness.

" By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! A surprise! Is it a GRAND surprise, prepared by the glorious GRAND champion herself? Oooh-eeeh-wah-yay!" screamed the adoring fan with the joy of a skooma addict who just won 500 bottles of skooma.

"_By Azura, This will be fun!" _, thought Alessia Nepia.

They ventured into the sewers, sneaking in through the basement of the best defense. The adoring fan proved to be the worst trespasser ever, because every time Alessia opened a door, he inhaled a deep breath and screamed "By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! It's the GRAND champion! She is opening a GRAND door! By Azura, the GRAND champion can do everything! Nobody else in Tamerial can do that! She is a incarnation of the divines!"

The trip took almost an hour. Although the two only had to travel about 100 yards, there were an assortment of creatures, which the grand champion killed with one blow. The most annoying obstacle was the spiders.

"By Azura, by Azura, by Azura, It's a spider! We are doomed! Talos save us! Oh great and mighty GRAND champion, step on this vile creature and save me!" screamed the fan every single time he saw a spider. He continued to run back until Alessia stepped on it.

"By Azura, that spider was almost as good as you! If it weren't for you, I would be dead by now! Thank the nine divines for you, oh great and mighty grand champions!" screeched the fan with a tone of voice that assumed that he was saved from the armies of Oblivion themselves!

"_Oh don't worry, you will be dead soon enough, heresy-kiss headed freak." _she thought.

After a while, the two found themselves at their destination. A old, rusty gate was sitting next to a winch, and Alessia started speaking, with a smug on her face:

" Did I ever tell you that I was born under the sign of the lover?"

"By Azura, no you did not oh great and mighty GRAND champion, "Enlighten me with your knowledge of yourself!" squealed the wood elf.

"_She's going to ask me to marry her! I know it!"_, thought the idiotic fan boy, not knowing that his hour of death had arrived.

" Do you know that when somebody born under the sign of the lover kisses somebody, they paralyze them?

"By Azura, that's common knowledge! Of course I know that, it's one of the few things I know!" screamed the young elf, not realizing that he had just made a complete fool out of himself.

" Alright my friend, now stand by that gate over there!" said Alessia as she opened the gate with the winch.

The adoring fan was more than happy to oblige. "Yes, oh GRAND champion! I will stand by the GRAND gate, while you GRANDLY open it!"

Alessia smiled. So did the adoring fan. _"What an idiot"_, Alessia thought. She kissed the little elf on the cheek, thus knocking him over, so that the gate was directly above his rib cage, and quickly began to close the gate.

" By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! The GRAND champion has kissed me! And now she is closing a GRAND gate that is going to close on me! How GRAND IS THAT! If I could move, I would dance! Good thing I can still talk!" said the adoring fan with utmost happiness, not knowing that in a few seconds, a very painful death would be his.

The gate was closing down on him.

"_Hurry up and kill him you stupid gate!"_, thought Alessia.

As if Talos heard her prayers of despair, the gates closed on the paralyzed fan. There was a sickening crunch, and the fan's chest split open, revealing broken ribs jutting out of his skin. The adoring fan, realizing that he was in pain, cried out in torture:

"By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! It's the GRAND gate! The GRAND gate has broken my bones, and is slowly chopping me in half! Oh great and mighty GRAND champion, save me, like you did from the wretched spiders and those mud crabs of evil!"

The top of the adoring fan's heart was severed, and blood spewed everywhere. The adoring fan now had little energy left, but was still screaming and twitching like a maniac.

"OWWW! My GRAND heart is bleeding! I think I might die, at the hands of this GRAND gate. By Azura, by Azura, by Azur-"

The adoring fan never got to finish that sentence. The gate closed down on his spinal cord, severing it like a pair of scissors cutting through a thread. The adoring fan's pain was unmatched, but it only lasted a second or two.

Before he died, he thought only one thing: 

"**BY AZURA"**

**Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I will try to make the kills creative!**


	3. Eginor

Some people have exceeded the title of master. Some people, are skilled enough to do things that no other man, or mer, has ever done before. Those people are destined to become the grand champion. And when somebody is destined to be the grand champion, they are destined to something else. Something annoying, and something that is the second greatest cause of suicides.

Eginor stood face-to-face with Agronak-Gro-Malog. This was the final fight. Agronak swung his Claymore, but Eginor, an agile, young wood elf was to fast for him. Eginor dodged the swing, and kicked off the stunned orc, thus knocking Agronak over, and letting Eginor land on his feet after performing a stylish back-flip. Agronak stood up, rather quickly for an orc, and was ready for combat again. But again, Eginor was faster than he was.

Eginor quickly drew his bow, and notched an arrow as fast as the best of elves could. Eginor knew exactly where the huge orc would be in one second, and his aim was perfect. The arrow sailed through the air, and Agronak's vision seemed to be in slow motion. The arrow ruptured orcish skin at his neck, and entered the grand champion's-former grand champion's- flesh, severing his Jugular vein, and breaking on the top of his vertebral column

"Citizens of Cyrodiil, we have a winner!", boomed the announcer.

Eginor, in his glory, raised the orc's body in a grand fashion, and pulled out a spear, skewering the orc's broken head, and raised his trophy into the air, shouting in a wild glory.

A mix of booing and cheering erupted from the crowd, and everybody was excited. But one boy was more excited than anybody else.

" _By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! It's the new grand champion! I shall find him, and love him just like I loved Agronak-Gro-Malog! I wonder how I got in here even though I never have any money to bet on matches" _thought the adoring fan.

Eginor walked down the stairs to the bloodworks, and just zipped by Owyn and Ysabel, giving them a quick "Sup, bitches" and took his money, eager to spend it. But perhaps his life would have been a little better if he stayed around longer, for somebody was waiting outside for him...

"By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! It's the GRAND Champion! Standing next to me! I can hardly believe it! Standing here, next to me!"squealed the fan in joy, "Oh great and mighty GRAND champion, would you let me follow you around and go on GRAND adventures with you?

Eginor was annoyed already. " By A-freaking-Zura, I have money to spend! I just won well over 2000 gold from killing The Gray Prince and I want to waste my money by enchanting a sword in a totally useless way just to amuse me."

"I got an idea, how about a sword, that when you strike them, it charms them! Oh yeah and also we could make a bow, that instead of shooting the enemy, leaps out of your hands and shoots you!" The Adoring fan screeched, thinking that he had found somebody else who is a complete idiot, just like him.

He was wrong.

" Alright kid, you can follow me, but you are not allowed in the mage's guild!" said Eginor, not wanting to get expelled by Polus for bringing him in.

" Let's go! It's time to go to the GRAND Arcane University! Let our quest, BEGIN!"

Eginor traveled to Arcane University, hiding in embarrassment from the onlookers, and from his wife, Irene Metrick. During the walk from the arena to the university, the fan was rapping and dancing, and Eginor was about to cast an invisibility spell and go away.

"B-B-B-B-B-Y AZUR TO THE A TO THE L TO K!"

"MY NAME IS FANBOY HERE IT LOUD AND CLEAR, OH LOOK MY FAVORITE GRAND CHAMPION IS HERE!"

"OOOHH YEAH!

"Look kid, I don't know how to say it, but, SHUT UP!"screamed the champion in rage.

When they finally reached the Arcane university, Eginor walked through the gates. Even though he loved archery and acrobatics with a passion, enchanting bows, arrows, and daggers were his specialty. It was him that came up with the idea for the infamous arrows of immolation, the second most famous enchanted arrow in all of Nirn!

(The most famous is The Tickle of Sheogorath, an arrow which makes all in a 120ft radius go on a killing spree. Luckily, it's a daedric artifact, and unobtainable without the help of the Madgod.)

Eginor was busy enchanting his new bow. It made whoever was struck by it instantly fall in love with him, but only for five seconds. However, no matter what kind of magics you use, even if somebody is completely in love with you, you can't stop them from fighting you if you shoot them.

"By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! It's the GRAND CHAMPION! G-R-A-N-D, THE GRAND CHAMPION IS LOVED BY YOU AND ME!", the adoring fan half-sung and half-made a sound that reminds me of a clanfear sharpening their claws.

"How. The. Hell. Did. You. Get. In. Here.", asked Eginor rhetorically and with an extreme anger.

" I climbed the magic fence, just so I could be with you!" exclaimed the fan. "By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! By Azura, by Azura, by Azu..."

The adoring fan continued to repeat that phrase, until he finally passed out.

"WHAT!? HE GOES UNCOUNCIOUS! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" , screamed Eginor like a banshee.

After a few minutes, the adoring fan regained consciousness, and started talking again, "By Azura, by Azura, by-"

"SHUT UP!" screamed Eginor, with that annoying voice that all wood elves have, including the adoring fan.

"Alright you little heresy kiss haired freak, follow me, we are going on a GRAND adventure, and a

GRAND death will be yours!"

"All right! Let's go! I will be honored if you give me whatever you were just talking about!

They two traveled to a beautiful field, full of deer, butterfly's, and everything nice.

(Except for sugar and spice. Freaking powerpuff girls.)

Once they reached there destination, Eginor found a rock, and instructed the adoring fan to stand on top of it. The adoring fan slipped 10 times on the moss, and at first mistook it for a giant troll, running 100 meters back screaming "By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! It's the GRAND troll, about to GRANDLY bite my adoring head off", until he realized it was only a rock.

After an hour, the fan boy got on top of the rock. Eginor took off his helmet, put his shield down , and instructed the adoring fan to watch them. But he did not put down his shield and helmet so that the adoring fan could guard them. He put down his helmet because it obscured his vision, and he needed perfect aim. He put down his shield, because it weighed him down, and he needed perfect balance. And so he drew his spear and started running.

The spear buzzed through the air, slowly decenting down upon the adoring fan. Eginor smiled as he watched the fan's doom from a distance. The spear instantly decapitated the fan upon impact, killing him instantly. Eginor smiled and adored his work. He truly was somebody who was better than the greatest of those ranked master.

But it was not over yet. The spear lost all of it's momentum when it sliced the adoring fan's head clean off his body, and landed right beside the rock, spear tip facing up. The adoring fan's body slowly fell down, just as the body of somebody who has been paralyzed has, and was impaled by the spear. The wide-edged spear completely decimated all of his torso, ripping the spinal cord vertically in half The fan's ribs split open, revealing a bloody heart. The tip of the ebony spear ruptured the tissue, of the heart, spraying blood everywhere. Even though Eginor was standing very far away, he could see the blood spurt up into the air.

_The destruction of evil is the best part of a good man's life_

Sorry it took forever for the update! Hope you like it! By the way, I'm doing an argonian next.


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